Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Dir.: Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg
Well, Jack is back and drunker than ever. Dead Men Tell No Tales is a two and a half hour romp chock full of slapstick and bad dialogue. The trailer depicted a dark story about ghosts coming to get Jack Sparrow. Not only that, but the head ghost would be played by the hautingly talented Javier Bardem. I was honestly decently excited to see this play out, but was incredibly disappointed from the first five minutes.
This movie feels like a joke, and I don’t mean it as if to say this movie is a joke, it feels like the whole movie is just there to set up Jack’s next funny line of oblivious drunkery. The tone is captured all wrong as Bardem could’ve easily been a terrifying baddie had the scene been set well.
The fifth installment of this franchise is ripe with “for real” and “oh come on” moments, one of the biggest being when Salazar(Bardem) suddenly has the ability to enter human’s bodies and can walk on dry land with them. First of all, when did we get any sort of establishment that he could do this? Not only is it incredibly convenient, but why didn’t he just do it from the beginning to get on dry land and just kill Jack earlier?
The worst two parts of the movie however, come when the crew are escaping climbing up the anchor and Barbosa catches the female lead. Suddenly she sees his tattoo(that he totally has had this whole time) and she utters the AWFUL line “Who am I to you?” This is followed up by the painfully obvious sacrifice of himself and a Jack-from-Titanic style float away in slow motion. The whole scene is painful to watch.
The other is immediately after, during the wrap-up the male and female leads finally get their romantic fulfillment through kissing and dreadful dialogue. This scene is both cringeworthy and ugly. I understand why the scene exists, we need some sort of closure on their story, but it could have been done in any different way and it could have been better. Not only that but we randomly get a cameo from Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly because “oh yeah I remember them from the old movies!”
I will say though, if this movie did anything right it is the visuals. While not all of them are great, there are some very cool moments in this film: Salazar’s living ship, the parted sea, and the devil’s triangle. These are some of the only things that made this movie watchable.
Ultimately what it boils down to is that this movie was a waste of money to see. The jokes made me laugh sometimes but we got way too much of Jack being a funny guy rather than him being a pirate. So much talent was wasted in this movie, it really is a shame.
I’m giving this movie a shameful 4/10.